Friday, September 29, 2006



Women don't know they discount men until it is too late. Men typically don't know they are being dissed by women until they are pissed. I know this is a sweeping generalization about women as there might actually be women out there who don't discount men. That would be a discussion for later. For now here are my thoughts.

At first, I didn’t know why I was upset. I was angry. These feelings began after our group discussion about this story Belinda wanted to discuss. After reading the story and relating her thoughts, Belinda deflected Randy’s comments and Phil's comments were ignored. Pat was met with hostility and mine were discounted. Yet when Tristan said something, Belinda took the time to listen and absorb her observations. This annoyed me. What is it about this woman gets my goat? Here in this venue, she discounts men and listens to women. Why should I continue to dialogue with someone who is discounting to men in general? These men responded vying for approval of or thinking they were helping her until they are left frustrated, deflated and shut down. Even worse, I know one of them is capable of holding on to his anger until it blows out of control and into the extreme of verbal and physical confrontation. When I see a woman do this-it is misandry as Nunya shared in my previous post and to say it in plain English-man hater. I don’t know how Belinda lives leaving men in her wake-pissed off. I know on some level it is a survival mechanism.

However, a poke in the eye is a poke in the eye. I was a closet mysoginist until exposed; she is a clueless and overt misandrist. I cannot let this go by without letting her know her affect on me. Not exposing her would be a disservice to her and more important, a disservice to me and others like me. I know too, that this act will continue to "de-construct" my concept of powerful women and see them more as human beings.

As always and in my other posts the people are real, the names are ficticious.

Monday, September 11, 2006


Self Loathing

An aquaintance once shared "Men suffer in self loathing because they need women too much". Still, the need is powerful. They avoid telling the truth to women regardless of their feelings of being manipulated. They engage in misogynous venting with others in the fraternity of males. They live in shame as they live their lives in years of denial and in an abusive relationship. They are bewildered and confused and frustrated in this struggle.

Yet our need for women is so great, we deny or have not concept of how much abuse we take. We must be desensitized to this. I cannot imagine any thing else. I remember being complicit in this drug transaction between my ex-wife and a friend. On many levels and specifically: I was afraid of losing my relationship with my ex-wife. I involved myself in ex-wife’s drama. A mentor noticed when I’m in pain, I smile a “Mona Lisa” smile. During this drug transaction, my pain was evident. The drug deal between my friend and my ex-wife ripped the “Mona Lisa” smile off my face and left me with an overwhelming feeling of shame and embarrassment. At once in one fell swoop, I felt weak and pathetic and became disgusted with myself for being manipulated. She was Mildred in Somerset Maugham’s of Human Bondage. There I was as Philip, accommodating, placating and rationalizing that is okay to love and not be loved in return. Here are more instances where she stepped on my heart. One day we were watching the movie “Driving Miss Daisy” among friends. There was a scene where one of the characters asked, “Do you love me?” I whispered the same thing to my ex-wife, I was vulnerable. Her response was “I course I love you, why would you ask me a question like that?” I was hurt and embarrassed because it was delivered indignantly and people around us heard the way she said it. Then another instance-I was in an accident. She wasn’t at all soothing; she didn’t ask if I was okay. What I got from her was more about the logistics and insurance aspects and it had to be quick because she needed to get back to work. I can recall the many times after work; I came home to a shrew. We rarely talked about our relationship! Our daily life was filled with painful little dramas doing things to avoid real discussion. I was drawn to this like a moth drawn to a flame. I continued to take significant hits to my soul. It was like this all my life-she was my surrogate mother.

I don’t have this in my life anymore yet the ghost pains linger. A friend’s ex-wife wanted him to discipline his girls. He wouldn’t. He felt they would learn through the consequences of their actions. The ex-wife told him “since he will never be an enforcer and that he doesn’t view this as an opportunity to parent, she certainly won’t bother calling again. Ouch! I reacted in response and out spewed in what I thought was support of my friend “Are we doomed to be frogs? I say-Hell No!!! Unite against manipulating bitches!!!! Thing is, this bravado only lasts until we nuzzle next to pussy. Dammit! I've been infected with the malady-easily manipulated :( Besides, why would women in general try to understand when it's easier to manipulate with their rose buds? Ain't this the shits?” It was safe for me to share this misogynous venting with a sympathetic ear. When it comes to women, there is safety in venting in the company of men.

In the story, a scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion says, "Because if I do, I will die too." The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp "Why?" Replies the scorpion: "It’s my nature..." Call it lack of awareness, cowardice or confusion or all of the above. It is about men who have not had the experience of women who understood their shame of being manipulated. We are desensitized in one sense and painfully unaware of women who would be respectful in this way. You could also say, women are just as naïve and have been berated and humiliated by men for the same reasons. This result in both genders being trapped in a vicious circle of anger treating each other as body parts or amphibians or worse-much of it steeped in deep anger. We forget we are human beings and we treat each other as frogs and scorpions in the fight for life and death.

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