Saturday, December 03, 2005


Balls of Abandonment

A friend and mentor asked me one time why same sex friends could not call or write and each doesn't get all freaked about it. If the answer can be found in our relationship, I believe it's because we know and trust how each other feels no matter the circumstances.

If I recall, the main point we focused on regarding your fear of abandonment was around your motivation to "glorify women" and not see them for who they truly are. You see the things you like and deny the things you don't, not wanting to discuss the tough stuff. You also don't seem to be honest about who you are, and after time your self denial causes soulful problems that you have trouble living with.

We deal with it differently, but we both seem to have difficulty seeing and accepting women truthfully, as complex & intriguing creatures with human imperfections. To you they need to appear mostly, if not all, good and to me all bad. You glorify them, hoping they'll stay and I villianize them knowing they'll leave. Neither of us seems to believe we are acceptable for who we honestly are and can't accept women on the same premise.

Meanwhile, we both live lives devoid of an honest, loving and trusting relationship with a woman like the one we share together as men. What fools we are.

In writing this, I've experienced a brief moment of clarity. As a man when I'm in a relationship with a women it seems "I have no balls". Is it easier with you because you have your own balls? You know when you think about it, without a woman our balls are useless and with a woman in our lives our balls are theirs. So are they really our balls at all? Aren't we just courteously carrying them around for a woman until she wants them? Have I been worrying about loosing something that really isn't mine? If we are destined to be eunuchs, I think letting a woman have my balls sounds more enjoyable that letting them wither away.

Your brother eunuch

This is fascinating. I think a lot of men almost prefer their male relationships for the reasons you say: they don't lose their identity as a man. It's always the cliche that when a couple get together, one or the other gives up a lot of their friends and later resents it. I think if relationships take their proper course, they go through these introverted phases, then the couple comes up for air. But it is easier for a woman to close herself off to a man than visa versa. Men need other men, and the woman who gets that will probably keep her relationship intact. It's when they get neglectful that I would have to draw the line.
With my 24 years of age and very little experience with people, I sense that some men try to cover up their insecurity with various ways. Why does this insecurity arise? Do women expect too much of men? Or do men expect too much of themselves? Children are honest, they dont expect something from their friends, they dont expect them to be great, they just get together and play. Thats important, the game, the communication, the exchange of thoughts and emotions. The sharing of onesself. Who cares about anything else? And if she really cares, is she then worth of your balls? :))
I think that same-sex friends feel more comfortable with each other because there is no sexual tension between them and no expectations. We can go to dinner and a movie with our girlfriends and not wonder if they really just want to fuck us. Women have more or less the same issues that the men you write about: without men our virginity is useless and with men our virginity is given up to them. Also, letting a man have your virginity is much more enjoyable than letting it wither away. I agree that men need other men but women need other women too. The couples that really do well together neither give up their individual friends or their private time, but rather they merge their friends and support each other’s independent time in addition to being together.
Young at heart made a really good point.

Isn’t that remarkable in that we give up important things to be in a relationship? I am laughing because it’s true about men needing other men. Fortunately, we understand our gender. We (men) can heal each other albeit slow in spite of this general understanding. When it comes to neglect or stonewalling I think women do battle with what I call ghost pains. For instance as I’ve shared “glorify them, hoping they'll stay and villainize them knowing they'll leave”. To live and develope this way as a child and to find it doesn’t work in an adult relationship is a rude awakening. I commented to a friend today that only now do I feel mature enough to venture away from my make-up.


The insecurity arises I think because the majority of the men these days are raised by women. Men began to leave their families in droves as the agricultural life gave way to industrial life. I think the male models became distant and out of touch with their sons and daughters. It is very confusing. I am sure it is the same with men but it’s unsettling as women have little understanding of the opposite sex (understatement of the year). With women in the workforce now this really changes the family models. Two tired and bedraggled adults raising children part time. So it can also be said, that she does care but she’s too tired to play with your balls.


I was alluding to sexual tension and ghost pains as the scourge of me as I believe for me it’s exciting but ultimately life destroying. I’d rather have my self respect and be single. Thank goodness for my friends who are mirrors to my illusions! Don’t get me wrong, I emphatically agree with you that sex is enjoyable.

Thank you all for the great insights received.
Who is the true bad ass--males or females? I did a post on that last night when I was a little drunk. You talk about idealizing the feminine--where does that come from? I wonder if we women do the same.
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