Monday, September 11, 2006


Self Loathing

An aquaintance once shared "Men suffer in self loathing because they need women too much". Still, the need is powerful. They avoid telling the truth to women regardless of their feelings of being manipulated. They engage in misogynous venting with others in the fraternity of males. They live in shame as they live their lives in years of denial and in an abusive relationship. They are bewildered and confused and frustrated in this struggle.

Yet our need for women is so great, we deny or have not concept of how much abuse we take. We must be desensitized to this. I cannot imagine any thing else. I remember being complicit in this drug transaction between my ex-wife and a friend. On many levels and specifically: I was afraid of losing my relationship with my ex-wife. I involved myself in ex-wife’s drama. A mentor noticed when I’m in pain, I smile a “Mona Lisa” smile. During this drug transaction, my pain was evident. The drug deal between my friend and my ex-wife ripped the “Mona Lisa” smile off my face and left me with an overwhelming feeling of shame and embarrassment. At once in one fell swoop, I felt weak and pathetic and became disgusted with myself for being manipulated. She was Mildred in Somerset Maugham’s of Human Bondage. There I was as Philip, accommodating, placating and rationalizing that is okay to love and not be loved in return. Here are more instances where she stepped on my heart. One day we were watching the movie “Driving Miss Daisy” among friends. There was a scene where one of the characters asked, “Do you love me?” I whispered the same thing to my ex-wife, I was vulnerable. Her response was “I course I love you, why would you ask me a question like that?” I was hurt and embarrassed because it was delivered indignantly and people around us heard the way she said it. Then another instance-I was in an accident. She wasn’t at all soothing; she didn’t ask if I was okay. What I got from her was more about the logistics and insurance aspects and it had to be quick because she needed to get back to work. I can recall the many times after work; I came home to a shrew. We rarely talked about our relationship! Our daily life was filled with painful little dramas doing things to avoid real discussion. I was drawn to this like a moth drawn to a flame. I continued to take significant hits to my soul. It was like this all my life-she was my surrogate mother.

I don’t have this in my life anymore yet the ghost pains linger. A friend’s ex-wife wanted him to discipline his girls. He wouldn’t. He felt they would learn through the consequences of their actions. The ex-wife told him “since he will never be an enforcer and that he doesn’t view this as an opportunity to parent, she certainly won’t bother calling again. Ouch! I reacted in response and out spewed in what I thought was support of my friend “Are we doomed to be frogs? I say-Hell No!!! Unite against manipulating bitches!!!! Thing is, this bravado only lasts until we nuzzle next to pussy. Dammit! I've been infected with the malady-easily manipulated :( Besides, why would women in general try to understand when it's easier to manipulate with their rose buds? Ain't this the shits?” It was safe for me to share this misogynous venting with a sympathetic ear. When it comes to women, there is safety in venting in the company of men.

In the story, a scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion says, "Because if I do, I will die too." The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp "Why?" Replies the scorpion: "It’s my nature..." Call it lack of awareness, cowardice or confusion or all of the above. It is about men who have not had the experience of women who understood their shame of being manipulated. We are desensitized in one sense and painfully unaware of women who would be respectful in this way. You could also say, women are just as naïve and have been berated and humiliated by men for the same reasons. This result in both genders being trapped in a vicious circle of anger treating each other as body parts or amphibians or worse-much of it steeped in deep anger. We forget we are human beings and we treat each other as frogs and scorpions in the fight for life and death.

This is a beautiful post and sadly, I often am so unaware of this side of men. I see it more from the female perspective. I guess we line up at the areas where we've been hurt. Thank you for this.
Thank you Enemy. I cannot even fathom the female perspective unless it is delivered with some misogyny toward men. This does not deter me. As Camus shared about sisyphus "negate the gods and raise rocks" I want to destroy the myth and know the woman human being.
Thank you for this post. I looked for the word that a woman would use for man hater, and there really isn't a clear answer to this question:
Is there an opposite to misogynist

Sadly enough, it took years for my male friends to reveal to me the feelings that you wrote here. They hide from women, except for me, the safe married woman. They know my husband is not safe, and he earned that spot. We cannot fathom the male perspective, either. your friend is right, the kids will learn from their mistakes, but if the mother is the primary caretaker she will deal with their occasionally financially expensive lessons.
Thank you Nunya. Yes financial and even more devastating-emotional. The kids are witnesses to our indiscretions and they know how to get even.

As for your husband, does he loath himself too for needing a woman?
I don't know. Dragging information out of him is like pulling teeth. Perhaps he dislikes providing for me financially as much as I hate cooking for him. I used to love to cook. I used to love sex also. Now I hate them both. My child knows how to get even, but she doesn't bother with it. She spends her energies elswhere. I'm lucky to have her in my life, at least for a little while longer. She's a wonderful human being.
Cooking and sex hater...hmmm is there a greek word for that? Your situation sounds very sad.
Funny you should mention Greek. Shouldn't have bred with a Greek. I didn't marry him, Thank God, and the child is a peach. I needed someone to pay the bills, and that is what the husband does. I knew he couldn't cook for a long time before I married him. Sometimes I wear reverse rose-tinted glasses, and have unrealistic expectations.

How are you and the boy recovering from the home violation? My heart went out when I read that. I understand that grief also. It will take a while before you feel safe again.

I wish peace for you.
Thank you,

I am not obsessing about the violation and it hasn't stopped me from living.

Aha, how do you feel about your choice now? A choice based on unrealistic expectations?
this is so specific and devastating. on the verge of emotionally lurid. but i loved it. makes me want to treat love more carefully. a much needed read. thank you.
Gone native, Thank you and your welcome! I enjoyed the Blue Ridge Mtns., immensly! Such beauty! We visited the Parkway and had our home base in Boone, NC.
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