Wednesday, October 11, 2006


Stormy Winds

As usual, I walked into a baseball bat recently. A very good friend said “How can you love her if you don’t even know her?”

At a conference, I listened to this woman friend. I was drawn into her web of coercion and manipulation in her struggle to divorce her husband or not. Once again, I felt resentment and anger. These feelings betrayed what I wanted to say to her. I confused her with my ex-wife. I churned inside and I forgot about the work I’ve done. I was in the periphery of the hurricane. It was as if I wanted my ex-wife to know how much effort I put into our relationship. I wanted her to know how hurt I was. It was something I had unsuccessfully conveyed because it wasn’t going to work. In the end, I knew it wasn’t going to work and it didn’t.

I also confused love with my battle not to lose my identity. Back then, I battled to keep my relationship with my ex-wife intact because I needed to remain as I was. I was afraid of stepping out into the world without an identity-I had no balls then! With my woman friend and for all my efforts, I was again sucked in the by the rotating winds of the hurricane. Dammit! I had forgotten she was a friend and she became my ex wife. I walked into her stormy path and was left strewn once again-in the rubble.

Later during another discussion, we talked about how we make our spouse a parent or how we parent our spouse. We do what we do and we unconsciously coerce and manipulate resulting in wounds that then become feelings of resentment and anger. It is even more pathetic when we consciously know this and continue this aberrant behavior. That said, I really don’t know how good I am at healing these wounds. As I write this, I feel sad and I am regretful for how I behaved in front of my son during this time. I wished I had divorced sooner to stem the affect I had on him. Because of this among many other things, I am further committed to healing my wounds-especially where I am coerced and manipulated or when I am doing the coercion and manipulation. These are where these insidious storms reside-where we are parented and where we parent. I don’t want to be driven by this kind of life-a life of coercion and manipulation! It is not the legacy I want nor do I want to waste my life living like this

You know, it just sucks when you think of all that time you put in and look what came out. I can see how that conversation would bother you. I want to thank you for all your support. I haven't given up yet, but who knows. Hang tough.

You are welcome. It is the healing part that is tough. I believe when relationships work through adversity, I think the bonds are stronger.

I don't know if you believe the parenting we seek and the parenting we give is one of the sources of our wounds. But what hit me hard was this person who was my wife was someone I really didn't know. I place my construct upon her. It was unfair to her asshe didn't fair well in this role.

Damn this shit is complicated.
no time is wasted. you figure some things out, you define what you will or wont do in the future, and if youre lucky, you let the shit go and give it zero power.
if you see that you are being drawn in thru manipulation and coercion put the brakes on. it doesnt happen without your consent. stand tall dude! and try to enjoy your weekend.

Thank you for your thoughts. I had a vulnerable moment on this one. I typically do as you suggest. In fact I've been accused of being hypervigilante on coercion and manipulation. More important than either of these concepts for me is to see things honestly so I can be appropriate if there is damage control that needs to be done.
We who have been hurt need to be careful not to hurt others, and not to be hurt needlessly again. Finding some balance is the best thing we can do for our children. Sometimes it feels like an impossible task, but it's not. It's not easy, but it's not impossible.

That said, isn't it amazing that everyone knows what a misogynist is but not too many know misandrist?
Hi Nunya,

Haha, I didn’t even know the misogyny word-I had to look it up. You brought the misandry to my attention.

As for not hurting others, I think clear concise honesty is more helpful as we can act. Especially after our bruised egos are soothed That said, if it can be said in a way that can be heard-we are all better for it.
Hi again.
Clear, concise honesty? Does that mean consistency? Because I may hate my husband one day and think he's wonderful the next. My best friend told me I was an enigma. I said "Huh?" He immediately said "No, you women are just hard to figure out." I said "OK."
Consistency is a "son of bitch" because in order to be consistent, one has to be vigilant. Who has time to be vigilant at all times?
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