Saturday, March 17, 2007
Speed Circuit
Let me begin by sharing that I submitted my resignation the first week in March to my boss. It came with a butt load of anxiety. When it was done, I had the weekend anticipating a full court press by management the following week. It came in full force: again my boss then the General Manager and finally the Operations Manager. That Monday I handled them with honor in responding to their counter offers by stating simply “it’s blackmail and I don’t do blackmail.”
Secondly, separation is hard for me. Confronted with separation, my pathological enmeshment almost overcame my own judgment. It almost caused me to buckle and stay ensconced in a place where I was willing to settle and become complacent. The next day Tuesday I had planned to meet with the owner of the company and just thinking about it, my resolved waned. Now I know what it’s like to have a split personality. There was a circular dialogue of two conversations occurring within me. The man who wants to leave was being overwhelmed by the pathos of wanting to stay. The “man within” wants to leave because the untenable systems that are still in place are still in place-it is not going to change period end of story. The pathos wanted the familiar and what it brings: security, relationships and the family he’s known for the better part of the day, almost every day for 10 years. For a time, there was no one to talk to. I called my inner circle of friends and confidants. There wasn’t much available through the height of my anxiety but I got something and fortunately, what little I got from them was a life line and I settled down. It also helped to shake the inner dialogue by journaling about it and see on paper the logic in the debate. I also took in the go-karts at the Miramar Speed Circuit to relieve the anxiety. Btw, I came in 4th because I slammed a car against the wall when I shot the gap-I was penalized for it. As an aside, the meeting with the owner did not happen and it is yet to come. However, I feel good about it this time.
The process of leaving has opened up my feelings of sadness for the familiar. It is counter balanced by my feelings of excitement of starting something new. A friend advised that I focus on enjoying the time “in-between” where current problems are past tense and the new ones haven’t surfaced yet and I paraphrase “Why don’t you relish and enjoy this special window in your life” In reflecting on what he said, in the past, when those precious few windows did open up-I was unconscious. I think this time it’ll be different.
Secondly, separation is hard for me. Confronted with separation, my pathological enmeshment almost overcame my own judgment. It almost caused me to buckle and stay ensconced in a place where I was willing to settle and become complacent. The next day Tuesday I had planned to meet with the owner of the company and just thinking about it, my resolved waned. Now I know what it’s like to have a split personality. There was a circular dialogue of two conversations occurring within me. The man who wants to leave was being overwhelmed by the pathos of wanting to stay. The “man within” wants to leave because the untenable systems that are still in place are still in place-it is not going to change period end of story. The pathos wanted the familiar and what it brings: security, relationships and the family he’s known for the better part of the day, almost every day for 10 years. For a time, there was no one to talk to. I called my inner circle of friends and confidants. There wasn’t much available through the height of my anxiety but I got something and fortunately, what little I got from them was a life line and I settled down. It also helped to shake the inner dialogue by journaling about it and see on paper the logic in the debate. I also took in the go-karts at the Miramar Speed Circuit to relieve the anxiety. Btw, I came in 4th because I slammed a car against the wall when I shot the gap-I was penalized for it. As an aside, the meeting with the owner did not happen and it is yet to come. However, I feel good about it this time.
The process of leaving has opened up my feelings of sadness for the familiar. It is counter balanced by my feelings of excitement of starting something new. A friend advised that I focus on enjoying the time “in-between” where current problems are past tense and the new ones haven’t surfaced yet and I paraphrase “Why don’t you relish and enjoy this special window in your life” In reflecting on what he said, in the past, when those precious few windows did open up-I was unconscious. I think this time it’ll be different.
Labels: separation
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Hi En,
No your asking isn't personal. A juror for the Scooter Libby Trial said, "he was too busy looking our for number 1 and forgot about number 2."
In many ways i took Scooter's attitude in performing my role for the company. Though my role was an important role for the company, I outgrew it. They weren't structured to change with me. As always, opportunities presented themselves via different companies. Most of the time I whimper out. This time, my balls clanged and acted on it. It was a moment of clairity to act on my behalf.
Separation did play into one of my psychological issues and it seems I have a similar psychological issue as you. Mine manifested itself as a profound fear of abandonement.
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No your asking isn't personal. A juror for the Scooter Libby Trial said, "he was too busy looking our for number 1 and forgot about number 2."
In many ways i took Scooter's attitude in performing my role for the company. Though my role was an important role for the company, I outgrew it. They weren't structured to change with me. As always, opportunities presented themselves via different companies. Most of the time I whimper out. This time, my balls clanged and acted on it. It was a moment of clairity to act on my behalf.
Separation did play into one of my psychological issues and it seems I have a similar psychological issue as you. Mine manifested itself as a profound fear of abandonement.
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